My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
