that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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