btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
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