I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
