i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
