Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
