Will you blow on my dice?
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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