So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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