I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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