im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
