you traded sex for a burrito?
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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