i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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