I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
