I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
