How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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