The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
