Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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