I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
