you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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