Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize