You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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