If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
