you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
