watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
