Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
