does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
