I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
