Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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