I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
