I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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