This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
