Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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