sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
