If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
