I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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