if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
