he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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