did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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