i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
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