I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
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