I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
