my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Randomize
