I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Randomize
