i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
