he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
