i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
