please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
