He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
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