I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I stole a fireplace last night.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
