I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
