DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize