I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
