I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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