Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
