Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
babies were throwing up all over the place
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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