I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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