there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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