I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
well most of my day revolves around power hour
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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