giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
