I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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