I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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