U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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