We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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