while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
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