If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
