I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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