are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
im calling her cock vulture from now on
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
