Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
