If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
