just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
