So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Well I just put wine in my tea
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
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