Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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