Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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